Diary of Drewcifer
Personal Terror
Yesterday, I had occasion to think about a woman that caught my interest a couple of years ago. I met her doing work on a local political campaign and was impressed and curious, but also not quite in the space for pursuing a new relationship. So, I renewed an old habit and "googled" her. I had hoped to learn more about things she is interested in. I've known her as an activist for rights of the disabled. I did discover one book project that she had worked on, but I also stumbled across accounts of how she became disabled as a consequence of an horrific act of violence almost a decade ago. I remembered the "event." But, I had forgotten the details. (She was one of the details.) Her injury almost a footnote in the stories of the event.My reflections brought me to a sense of horror at how the recent attacks in New York and Washington might have impacted people with their own personal history of terror and violence. I thought of how the experience had amplified my own emotions from my childhood traumas rekindling old fears, hurt and anger. I imagined how many people in this country and elsewhere had suffered an intensely personal kind of terror and I searched almost desperately for "my" buddhism.
7th Mindfulness Training
Aware that life is available only in the present moment and that it is possible to live happily in the here and now, we are committed to training ourselves to live deeply each moment of daily life. We will try not to lose ourselves in dispersion or be carried away by regrets about the past, worries about the future, or craving, anger, or jealousy in the present. We will practice mindful breathing to come back to what is happening in the present moment. We are determined to learn the art of mindful living by touching the wondrous, refreshing, and healing elements that are inside and around us, and by nourishing seeds of joy peace, love, and understanding in ourselves, thus facilitating the work of transformation and healing in our consciousness.
posted by Drew @ 6:29 AM | link to this post
I Love Lezzie
I' ve got plans to join some friends and go see the I Love Lezzie Performance at Studio Rhino this evening. It should be fun.
posted by Drew @ 6:23 AM | link to this post
Birthday of the Moment
posted by Drew @ 8:13 AM | link to this post
Quote of the Moment
who are you?
posted by Drew @ 8:05 AM | link to this post
Rant of the Moment
Sometimes I'm just in the mood to appreciate a rant.
posted by Drew @ 7:53 AM | link to this post
How Do We Respond Nonviolently to Terrorism?
A response from Arun Gandhi at The M.K. Gandhi Institute for Nonviolence.We must acknowledge our role in helping to create monsters in the world, find ways to contain these monsters without hurting more innocent people, and then redefine our role in the world. I think we must move from seeking to be respected for our military strength to being respected for our moral strength.
posted by Drew @ 9:41 PM | link to this post
North Central Florida
Today, I discovered that there is a retreat center near McIntosh, Florida. The center will be site of a retreat focusing on Buddhism and Psychotherapy in October led by Fred Eppsteiner. I have to confess to being slightly amazed that the center is existing halfway between Ocala and Gainesville. The small town of McIntosh is most firmly etched in my memory as the home of the Grand Dragon of the Florida Chapter of the Invisible Empire Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. During my last few years in North Florida, we had 'cause to need to know the location, intentions and actions of people like the grand dragon and his friends. To me, McIntosh always appeared to be a somewhat welcoming and hospitable community for klansman and klan leaders. It pleases me to find that someone has established a retreat center there and that a retreat in the tradition of Thich Nhat Hanh has been scheduled there.I can recall one other positive association I have with McIntosh, a friend from there named Bonnie. The last time I saw Bonnie, she was having a difficult time. I hope she and her family are well.
posted by Drew @ 9:50 AM | link to this post
Fasting
This morning, I have begun fasting to join with Thich Nhat Hanh and others "to embrace all those who have died and all who are suffering from the recent tragedy." I will write more about my decision later.
posted by Drew @ 6:43 AM | link to this post
Quote of the Moment
Senator Phil bin Gramm"I was right then and I am right now" in opposing the bill, Mr. Gramm said yesterday. He called the bill "totalitarian" and added, "The way to deal with terrorists is to hunt them down and kill them."From today's New York Times, retiring Senator Phil Gramm on why he killed a banking bill that would have allowed the US to force foreign banks to open up records of banking transactions greater than $3000 that would make money laundering (transferring) more difficult for "terrorists." I'm sure that his position wasn't influenced by campaign contributions and other financial support from the banking industry, who rabidly opposed the legislation. And I'm sure that traipsing through sovereign countries to hunt down and kill people isn't the least bit totalitarian.
posted by Drew @ 6:51 AM | link to this post
Fasting
Among the responses from Buddhist leaders on the Buddhist Peace Fellowship website is a response from Thich Nhat Hanh. At the very end of this response is a note that he will be fasting from 9/21/01 through 9/30/01 "in order to embrace all those who have died and all who are suffering from the recent tragedy." He invites others to join him in all or part of the fast. He will be in New York on the 25th to give a public talk."All violence is injustice"
posted by Drew @ 7:17 PM | link to this post
Buddhist Responses
The Buddhist Peace Fellowship website has added these responses from Buddhist leaders to the September 11 tragedies.
posted by Drew @ 4:58 PM | link to this post
Don't Turn Tragedy Into War
Friday, Sept. 21, 7pm
Fellowship of Humanity
390 27th St. (btwn Telegraph & Broadway, 9 blocks north of 19th St. BART) Oakland
posted by Drew @ 1:43 PM | link to this post
Were Last Tuesday's Attacks Pre-emptive Strikes?
The BBC is reporting a US plan to oust the "Taleban" and Bin Laden has been in process and planned for execution before snow fall.
posted by Drew @ 1:30 PM | link to this post
Did We Create Him - part II
From the Indy Media Center website, an excerpt from Taliban: Militant Islam, Oil and Fundamentalism in Central Asia by Ahmed Rashid.
posted by Drew @ 1:09 PM | link to this post
Vigils and Peace Activism
KPFA has the following schedule of activities in the Bay Area.Suggestions from the Buddhist Peace Fellowship
posted by Drew @ 10:31 AM | link to this post
"War is terrorism, magnified a hundred times."
Howard Zinn in The Progressive this week.
posted by Drew @ 4:02 PM | link to this post
Last January
I read "Where Do We Go From Here: Chaos or Community" by Martin Luther King, Jr. I was moved at the time by the prescience of his concerns, the relevance of his words to today. As I pick up the book again and re-read his admonition:"When machines and computers, profit motives and property rights are considered more important than people, the giant triplets of racism, materialism and militarism are incapable of being conquered."I see the "giant triplets" abounding in the misery of this last week and prospering inconceivably in the coming weeks.
posted by Drew @ 3:58 PM | link to this post
Quote of the Moment
...the attacks on Tuesday were a gift to the extremists of all sides.. some of Bin Laden's associates are praying for a (extrememly harsh) U.S. reaction....Noam Chomsky, from an interview on Flashpoints
posted by Drew @ 12:52 PM | link to this post
Did We Create Him?
I listened yesterday as a friend talked with me and some others about the CIA havng recruited, trained and funded Usama bin Laden to fight the Soviets in Afghanistan. Last night, I watched and listened to a Frontline special on PBS that dismissed this as an untrue rumor.Very recently, the President gave money to the Taliban.
posted by Drew @ 12:39 PM | link to this post
Heartened by Barbara Lee
Before I moved to Berkeley, I was pleased to discover that my political positions lined up most completely with Congresman Ron Dellums. This morning I am finding some small comfort that Barbara Lee stood up before the Congress, the nation and the world and represented the desire of many of us not to meet violence with violence. Thank you!This morning, I'm finally trying to read through much of the material available on line from voices I trust. Here's Michael Moore's writing from yesterday.
posted by Drew @ 11:24 AM | link to this post
Recommendation
Promise me,
promise me this day,
promise me now,
while the sun is overhead
exactly at the zenith,
promise me:Even as they
strike you down
with a mountain of hatred and violence;
even as they step on you and crush you
like a worm,
even as they dismember and disembowel you,
remember, brother,
remember:
man is not your enemy.The only thing worthy of you is compassion--
invincible, limitless, unconditional.
Hatred will never let you face
the beast in man.One day, when you face this beast alone,
with your courage intact, your eyes kind,
untroubled
(even as no one sees them),
out of your smile
will bloom a flower.
And those who love you
will behold you
across ten thousands worlds of birth and dying.Alone again,
I will go on with bent head,
knowing that love has become eternal.
On the long, rough road,
the sun and the moon
will continue to shine.
Thich Nhat Hanh
posted by Drew @ 10:20 PM | link to this post
For Warmth
I hold my face in my two hands.
No, I am not crying.
I hold my face in my two hands
to keep the loneliness warm-
two hands protecting,
two hands nourishing,
two hands preventing
my soul from leaving me
in anger.
Thich Nhat Hanh
posted by Drew @ 10:02 PM | link to this post
Quote of the Moment
Those who are not upset with suffering,
and not attached to happiness,
are free of obstacles to dharma practice,
are liberated from suffering and happiness
and will go to the city of the sorrowless state (blissful state of peace)Lama Zopa Rinpoche
posted by Drew @ 8:22 PM | link to this post
from Lama Zopa Rinpoche
Rinpoche's advice for those who want to help is to take the 8 Mahayana precepts and to recite as many Chenrezig mantras - om mani padme hum - as they can with strong prayers to Chenrezig, praying to have loving kindness generated in the minds of everyone, especially those who have caused this harm. To change their mind/to stop the thought of giving harm to others, especially those in the USA. To pray to have much peace and happiness here and the rest of the world, as much happiness as possible. To visualize nectar beams emitted from Chenrezig entering everyone in the USA, especially those who have died or have been hurt and also to everyone in the world. Purifying all the suffering, the pain, the sicknesses and negative thoughts of harm. To purify all the suffering including one of the shortcomings of samsara - war. War is just one of the oceans of suffering of samsara. Then of course meditating on bodhichitta, that of course, without question is very important.
So these are the main practices that I suggest for those who want to help this very serious situation:
8 Mahayana Precepts
Offerings and prayers at the Jokhang (main temple in Lhasa)
Strong refuge practice
Prayer to prevent war
With much love and prayers,
Lama Zopa Rinpoche
posted by Drew @ 8:09 PM | link to this post
Amidst All the Talk of War
Global Exchange issues a statement.
posted by Drew @ 9:51 PM | link to this post
naked buddha part ii
[This is the continuation of a some writing that I began on 8/26/01. I've had some problems with the software I was using to write about the experience, so I've moved my continuation into blogger. If you wanna know what's going on, read naked buddha, then start below. Or, don't.]Evening Reflection
Shortly after I had packed it in on that first day, I began ruminating and quickly bounced back and forth between anger at myself for not just relaxing and disrobing and being angry with my "friend." At some point it was clear for me that the choice was mine to take control over my experience. I decided to just "get with the program" and appreciate and enjoy the resort for what it was. I'd deal with whatever issues or troubles arose with my friend when they did not in my mind.The Next Morning
Before I headed out to the pool area I slathered on sunscreen smiled as I thought about getting out there and "exposing myself" to the world, or at least Atlantic Shores. As I received my lounge chair and positioned it on the deck, I felt my heart beating and my mind racing about each action I made or was about to make. I made myself just lie down and relax for a few moments before removing my suit. I noticed that about half of the folks were naked or topless. I heard the beautiful, young woman near me talking with her husband/boyfriend about his nervousness over removing his bathing suit. She was topless. He was distressed that there were gay men around. I laughed inside. I stood up and I took off my bathing suit as my heart pounded as all my shit flew through my mind --- "Your too fat, too hairy, too pale, too out-of-shape, not big enough, too old, ..." I stopped my mind's assault on myself and laid back and felt the calming warmth of the sun and I relaxed....I Forgot Something
Until, I realized that I had applied sunscreen in my room while wearing my bathing suit. I had missed some critical extremely vulnerable areas. No problem, I had brought the sunscreen with me. As I rose to apply the sunscreen, I wondered about the etiquette of sunscreen application in a mixed setting such as this. I was feeling pretty sure that the straight guy nearby didn't want to see me slathering sunscreen onto my genitals and ass, as I was equally sure about the numerous lesbians lying around topless in relatively close proximity. I really didn't care too much about the one straight guy in particular, but I realized that I'd feel very differently about things if this was an exclusively gay male venue. (Hell, maybe I'd perform if there were no one around except for the leering group at the poolside bar.) I resolved to apply the sunscreen discreetly and gently - "no show, don't appear to be having fun." Finally, I sat back and relaxed and enjoyed the sun and the breeze and the freedom.
posted by Drew @ 6:01 PM | link to this post
I had a good time yesterday afternoon crossing paths with a bunch of bay area webloggers thanks to the efforts of Philo, Aaron and Bill. Thanks you guys, I appreciate it bunches! I also appreciate everyone who came out.
posted by Drew @ 4:01 PM | link to this post
Ramona is Pestering Me
Ever since my Saturday night outing to the Starry Plough, I've been haunted by the idea and the sounds of Ramona the Pest and their rendition of Itsy Bitsy Spider. It isn't so much the one song that keeps coming back, but the concept of taking a children's song and performing it in their "style" that keeps presenting itself to my consciousness as I go about my business. Who'd have thought I'd have had so many encounters with children's songs in two days. Their performance of itsy bitsy spider was made more memorable by the hand gestures of one fan in the crowd, who obviously had experience with the song. Aren't moms great!
A Recap of Saturday Evening's Music
Carmaig de Forest - Strangely enough, it was probably Carmaig's presence on the bill and one too many beers that was responsible for me ending up at the Starry Plough. I've been a fan of strange music, e.g., Frank Zappa, the Dead Milkmen, and the Violent Femmes. Carmaig's website heralds his having toured with the Violent Femmes and the fact of his playing the ukulele. Once they started, I wasn't disappointed in the least. Carmaig had recruited two of my dear Naked Barbie boys to play with him, cute Danny on his little standup drum thingie and Evan on the bass. I've just gotta love a whiny, liberal, political muscian who performs songs like "George Bush Lies" and lyrics like "...over by the eucalyptus tree I felt up michelle..."Hoarhound - These folks provided a nice transition from Carmaig to Ramona the Pest. There was a somewhat medieval quality to Ari's voice as she sang. The lead guitarist looked like Sugar Ray gone bad. (But, I really mean that in a nice way!) I'm not annoyed with him for calling the attractive woman I was talking to away.
Ramona The Pest - I almost bailed before they came on. I think it was the old man in me debating the merits of catching BART versus walking the mile or so home at 1AM. I got to chatting with a couple of nice folks and RTP started playing, so the decision was made. I didn't know any of the people in the band (trio), though the Hoarhound lead vocalist did help with some backup vocals. The two earlier bands had been somewhat laid back musically. RTP had their haunting and ethereal moments, but there were moments when the drummer seemed to be hitting me right between the eyes, the guitarist cut me with his pulsing chords and the vocalist grabbed me and then tossed me aside with her voice. I couldn't help being transfixed by the dancing of a dreadlocked cutie throughout the set. The crowd came alive. A few people danced.
posted by Drew @ 1:19 PM | link to this post
My Latest Fave Rave
A friend described to me a burrito at El Sombrero. I'd seen the item on the menu before, but because it was a chile relleno listed under the burrito menu, I presumed it was just an a la carte chile relleno. I have now been enlightened. It is, in fact, a burrito with a chile relleno inside of it. And it's soooo good!
posted by Drew @ 1:16 PM | link to this post
Quote of the Moment
It's so easy to hide in the TV, so easy to drown out every little thing In the volume of those alien voices, sending out their significant messages to Buy like them, be like them It's so easy to drown out every little thing When you are melting into the screen In the volume of those alien voices, sending out their significant messages to Buy like them, be like them
---- Valerie Esway, Ramona the Pest
posted by Drew @ 2:00 AM | link to this post
Flattered, Tattered and Scattered
I am flattered to be invited to attend "The Gay Bay Blog Day" tomorrow in Oakland. Here's who I understand will be there: 8leggeddj, mermaniac, little yellow different, contrasts, prosaic, reese's world, outage, Philo, ultramundane/artfag, bellelogic, querylily, Stumble, DeviousBi, and allaboutgeorge. I've been to almost all of their blogs at one point or another, usually jumping from a link on East/West or Mermaniac.For some slightly demented, not clearly defined reason, I've spent a chunk of the day trying to watch colllege football. I'm sitting here now trying to decide between heading down to the Starry Plough tonight or taking in two movies at the Fine Arts Cinema. The two movies tonight are After Life and Night of the Hunter. The bands on the bill for the Starry Plough tonight are Ramona the Pest, Hoarhound and Carmaig de Forest.
posted by Drew @ 6:00 PM | link to this post
Abundance Gathering
I saw a poster this afternoon for a music festival and "Abundance Gathering" in Big Sur next Sunday. Hmmmm.
posted by Drew @ 5:43 PM | link to this post
I am an orphan ... no, make that ... cover girl
What can one make of Gillian Welch showing up on the cover of the Bay Guardian last week and then showing up in my mailbox yesterday on the cover of No Depression? It would appear that her time is here.I went with Stacey to listen and watch as Gillian played the Fillmore Wednesday night. It was my first trip to the Fillmore. I found just being in the Fillmore to be overwhelming. As I looked at the posters, I kept wondering to myself "How could I have missed all of that wonderful music?!" Yep, I was a big ol' hick wandering around the place."The girls all dance with the boys from the city and they don't care to dance with me...."The show was strong and sound phenomenal! It was crowded and hot and tiresome standing all night long after a long day, but worth it. I'm still trying to figure out why it's all about Gillian. Dare I mention his name? David Rawlings was engaging and real damn cute up there with her, as always.
I'm not sure I'm in my most buddhist (enlightened) state, but I was really happy to pick up my first, free Fillmore poster at the end of the show.
posted by Drew @ 6:25 AM | link to this post
Quote of the Moment
"Drive all blames into one" is saying, instead of always blaming the other, own the feeling of blame, own the anger, own the loneliness, and make friends with it. Use the tonglen practice to see how you can place the anger or the fear or the loneliness in a cradle of loving-kindness; use tonglen to learn how to be gentle to all that stuff. In order to be gentle and create an atmosphere of compassion for yourself, it's necessary to stop talking to yourself about how wrong everything is - or how right everything is, for that matter.I challenge you to experiment with dropping the object of your emotion, doing tonglen, and seeing if in fact the intensity of the so-called poison lessens....
Pema Chodron
posted by Drew @ 9:19 PM | link to this post
"Abandon any hope of fruition"
Okay, here's another example of why I think organized religions are a crock of shit and just generally miss the point of their teachings. I found my way to Tse Chen Ling Center today in San Francisco. I was having an interesting time browsing through their books in their library and in their bookstore and checking out their alter, when I read their posted note about "Dharma Etiquette." My favorite part of it was where it quoted some rinpoche saying something like, if I moisten my fingers from my mouth in order to turn the pages of a book of dharma I'll be reborn in some second level hell. (I'm not sure if this is Texas or Florida or somewhere in the Central Valley.) This all sounds very southern baptist to me. I don't need this! It's not even like christians saying I shouldn't moisten my fingers to turn the pages of the bible. It's like saying that I shouldn't moisten my fingers with spit to turn the pages of a book by Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson or I'll go to hell.
I'm Going to Burn in Buddhist Second Level HellI just can't believe that where you keep dharma books on your bookshelf or how you turn the pages of the teachings matters. I think it matters where and how you keep the dharma in your life in this life. I'm not too worried about being "reborn" in hell. I just don't find that to be relevant. It feels like just so much man-imposed hokum. I don't mean to be disrespectful. I will, of course, respect their wishes and traditions within their sangha, center and programs. And perhaps most importantly, I hope to not be distracted by things like this to the point of not being able to hear, learn and practice the dharma.
Aside from my encounter with the "etiquette" of the dharma, I liked the place and the teachings they have scheduled over the next few months. I think I'll engage them, if they'll have me. I'll also work on my tonglen practice to check my attitude.
I also discovered LamRim.com, Tibetan Buddhist Radio. They have audio archives of lots of teachings including The Heart of Wisdom Training that I attended in May. I was streaming audio of chanting this afternoon while doing work.
posted by Drew @ 8:45 PM | link to this post
"O" Shit
I went to see the movie O last week. After watching the climactic, violent, tragic ending, I headed down Shattuck towards my apartment. Along the way, I passed some kid on a skateboard trying to sell a jewelry box for $10. I laughed as he went passed, thinking does this fool think I'm gonna buy a jewelry box from kid on the street. As the kid passed, he made some comment about "killing that laughing faggot." It took every bit of restraint I could muster not to go and pummel the little bastard. I couldn't believe how angry I was. A couple of days later, I started to connect the dots between my acknowledging my anger in the past and it re-emerging as I "look at my dark side."
posted by Drew @ 7:28 PM | link to this post
No Great Ideas
I still haven't come up with any wonderful approach to execute.
posted by Drew @ 8:20 PM | link to this post
When in Doubt Sublimate
The Sutra on the Eight Realizations of the Great Beings
posted by Drew @ 9:12 PM | link to this post
A Plan?
Who needs a fuckin' date/girlfriend?!
posted by Drew @ 8:31 PM | link to this post
Therapy Homework
In therapy last week, "we" somehow came to the conclusion that it would be a good thing for me to push myself a little harder into dating. I recounted for my therapist how I had "worked" on my shyness (fear) about dating in the past. Before I met Bill, I committed myself to meeting and asking out and going out with at least one new human each month, if it didn't feel like I was dating someone with long-term potential. That wasn't a maximum but rather a minimum. Most months I went out on at least three dates with at least one being initiated by me. In the course of things, I established a couple of relationships that I went to frequently, but without any expectation of long-term compatibility - fuck dates. I didn't count these in my plan towards building my self confidence. Anyway, eventually this strategy lead me to Bill. My relationship with Bill was and continues to be a very good thing in my life.So, how to start anew. I've been "single" for two years plus with very little active effort on my part toward engaging a new relationship. I've been much more drawn toward women during that time than men. Should I pursue some strategy similar to what I did in the past to get myself more confidentally and comfortably dating? I'm supposed to have a plan for Wednesday.
Here's a list of "reasons" I haven't been dating lately:
All the women I'm around regularly are too young.Okay, I'm suppressing a lot of things I wanna write, maybe it's a good time to move on to a plan.
I don't know where to find women my age.
Most women won't be interested in me because of my bisexuality.
Most people won't be interested in my because of my "simple" lifestyle.
I'm not young and cute anymore.
Most women "out there" my age are out there.
posted by Drew @ 7:56 PM | link to this post
Dharma Days
I had a conversation with a friend the other day that took me back to days when I struggled with my "irrational anger." For a long time, I wondered why I would get so angry so fast and with so little provocation. Over time, I've noted my ability to control and move away from my anger. During that same time, I've increasingly struggled with "irrational depression."Let me see. My decrease in externalized anger has been matched with an increase in internalized anger.
Anyway, I've certainly thought about it before. And gawd knows I've heard and read the notion that depression is inward directed anger. Something just clicked a little more this time.
posted by Drew @ 7:29 PM | link to this post
Quote of the Next Moment
While I ran around in Florida for 10 or 11 days, I gave myself permission to stray from my vegetarian diet and consume fish/seafood. I had lots of fish and seafood. In the current issue of Mandala Magazine, I read a brief essay by a 10-year-old monk on being a monk. He lives in New Zealand and still lives with his family and attends a Maori school, but took rabjung vows last December. This is how the essay ended.
Sometimes at school being a Buddhist monk does not fit. When they go away to stay on the marae (meeting place) for a school trip I cannot go because they will go fishing and get seafood to eat, and I do not want to kill anything. I really like being a monk though and I want to be a monk for the rest of my life. --- Tsondru
posted by Drew @ 10:59 AM | link to this post
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