Monday, February 10, 2003

I can't help myself. I have to do that.

This evening as I listened to James Baraz speak during the last night of our Beginning Meditation Class, I found a connection with the spirit of these words spoken by a friend several years ago. As James spoke of the process that one goes through of becoming more mindful (aware) of one's life and actions in each moment, I remembered how seemingly near death I've been at times due to my depression. In my mind, there is a near instantaneous, somewhat dismissive process that occurs whenever someone comments on my lovingness or lifestyle that reflects the words my friend spoke to me -- "I can't help myself. I have to do that." For me, not slowing down my life and consciously focusing on the "little choices" and actions each day meant to loiter on the edge of a giant depression threatening to suck me in at any moment that I might yield to impulse. I don't know how many utility poles my forearms have twitched toward as I've driven down the road. I can't even tell you how many times over the years I've "celebrated" something by consuming alcohol and drugs in combinations that I would have rationally believed would lead to my "accidental death."

I woke up a little more this evening. I saw myself in the words of my friend whom I adore. I realized the value of depression in my life. If it were not there as a motivator, I'm not sure I'd be who I want to be. Right now, I pretty much am. Or at least, I'm on a path I feel I can live with. Whether or not I automatically dismiss the "choice(s)" I've made, I have chosen. And I am grateful to myself, to my teachers, to my father and to the people in the world like the president.

posted by Drew @ 10:21 PM | link to this post