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04/14/2001 Entry: "Impermanent Drew"

I'm never quite sure what to do when I feel this way. So usually, I write or contemplate various methods of not being around any more. Today, I'm writing.

It's struck me at times how predisposed I am to buddhism. Life is suffering and impermanent - That pretty well sums up my experience of life. Unfortunately, I tend toward stopping there with my integration of buddhist teachings. At times, I find great peace in the knowledge that this life is short and transitory. Usually, that "peace" is found during moments of intense depression. Today, I'm not finding peace in the concept of impermanence, only a sense of inevitability of my extinction and perhaps some self-justification for accelerating the process. I wandered around Lake Merritt today trying to figure out how to stay alive. Actually, I woke up this morning struggling with that question. Somehow, the answer seemed to involve getting sun.

I've felt intensely alone lately. The feeling has been so strong that I've had very little energy for engaging others. I've attributed it to overwork, but truthfully, I think it's just depression and interpersonal fatigue. Maybe fatigue doesn't quite capture it - how about interpersonal hopelessness. I'm lonely and I'm tired of feeling alone. I miss being touched and touching. I miss having someone close to me emotionally, physically and sexually.

As I walked today, I remembered a short story I wrote and re-wrote as a teen and young adult. And I wanted to re-write it today. When I sat down and started writing this I thought I was going to write that story again. I wonder how it would change with my aging. I know the feelings are the same, just my analysis and presentation of them that may have grown or become more jaded. Will it be more severe? More alienated? More angry? More tired? Definitely, more tired.

"Well it hurts down here on earth lord
It hurts down here on earth
It hurts down here 'cos we're running out of beer
But we're all gonna die some day.
…
Well they can all kiss my ass lord
They can all kiss my ass
If they want to kiss my ass well they better do it fast
'Cos we're all gonna die someday."

Don't think this is going anywhere.