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05/22/2001 Entry: "Losing My Religion"

I've told the story several times in the last few days of the beginning of my estrangement from the church I grew up in and Christianity in general. I'm feeling like writing about it a little, especially within the context of my reflections of my experience with the Dalai Lama recently.

I suspect I was 10 or 11 when I began wondering fairly intensely about the teachings of Jesus and the war that was going on in Vietnam. I remember watching the evening news and seeing the map of Vietnam with little explosions or flames to show where the killing/combat had occurred that day or whichever day they were reporting about. They talked about casualties and fatalities and I learned the distinction. I worried that one of the crude graphics representing killing was going to be my father, who was flying combat missions out of Korat Air Base in F-4 Phantoms.

I remember feeling upset during Sunday School when we had been talking about the Ten Commandments and teachings of Jesus that supported the commandments. I was worried that my father was going to Hell for killing people. (I was also worried that he was going to be killed.) I asked about the war and why people from "our country" were going and killing people when the Ten Commandments were very clear about it being wrong and Jesus was very clear about it being wrong.

I don't remember the exact words of the response, but I remember my feelings and thoughts at the time. It just didn't make sense to me. This rationalization that it was somehow okay for us, as a country, as Christians to be killing people. I remember thinking it was a big lie, this idea that it was okay for my dad to be killing people. I knew that I couldn't be a part of this religion that didn't have integrity, that didn't mean what it taught.

I felt guilty. I felt guilt as a Christian, an American, a King. I believed that my father was "over there" because of me. I believed he had left our family because of me. I believed he was "over there" because he had left our family. I believed he was killing people because of me. I felt angry.

I started refusing to go to church and Sunday school. People wanted me to participate in the "Communicants Class" to be baptised and join the church and take communion. I knew I couldn't do that. And I knew that I couldn't talk about it without people getting angry or being hurt. So, I just refused.

I was also beginning puberty about this time and having lots of sexual feelings and guilt. I was attracted to lots of my class mates and friends and gender didn't seem to matter. The first girl I remember having a sexual crush on was a girl who other kids said looked like a boy. I figured out it wasn't okay to have a crush on her and somehow made the leap to understanding it wasn't okay to have those feelings for the boys I felt them towards. Nonetheless, my fantasies went on. I felt like I didn't belong to the church and wasn't okay to belong to the church. God could see what I was doing and knew what I was thinking.

I'm not sure how these two factors worked together and what other issues may have been there for me at the time, but I'm profoundly aware all these years later of how emotionally intense and painful they were for me. I know they were barriers to my Christianity and my faith.

It is from this religious background that I approached the visit of the Dalai Lama. Add in to that equation my experience of physical and emotional abuse by my father and the failure of my mother and other adults to protect me and you end up with a person who doesn't have much trust in authority figures. I hold a very deep belief that people upon the realization of power or authority, will use it to abuse others and violate the very basis from which they derive their authority.

I don't believe in things that you can't show me. Don't ask me to have faith. Why? What basis is there for this faith? Exactly! If there was any basis it wouldn't be faith.

Not surprisingly, I have trouble with theism, heaven, reincarnation, purgatory,.... I have trouble with religions that teach me that I'll get some great reward for doing the right thing now. I have a very strong belief in the necessity of doing the right thing now because it's the right thing. The right thing doesn't include killing or allowing killing or abusing kids or letting kids be abused or hoarding lots of money when others have need.

So what does all this mean for me and the Dalai Lama and all my distractions and Buddhism? I'm not sure. As long as buddhism feels like a philosophy without a bunch of there will be a big payoff for you someday in heaven kind of thing I can work with it. But as soon as it starts being about believing a bunch of stuff that no one can know it loses me.

I went to see the movie Himalaya on Sunday. I was appreciative of the movie, but it's most powerful element for me was the mystical beliefs of the Buddhists and their references to the gods. It got me disturbed enough to wonder was HH only feeding me (us) the line that he thought we wanted to hear. Was this just another big lie?