[Previous entry: "Sidewalk Artist, King Eyes and a Cowboy"] [Main Index] [Next entry: "naked buddha"]

07/14/2001 Entry: "Under My Skin I Can't Stop Crying"

I wrote most of this a couple of weeks ago.

I cried myself to sleep last night
and snored myself awake
I'm weary with the morning light
with little left at stake...

I'm never quite sure where to start when I feel like this. It's as though I've been teetering on the edge of things for a week or more. Nothing seems to make it better for very long. I've noticed I'm increasingly able to convince myself that my friends and family will understand. I've equated it to my family's ability to understand that I just couldn't make things work in North Florida. I believe that they understood and weren't hurt by my decision. I think as I've shown those around me my struggle that they can probably come to grips with a decision by me to quit in much the same light. I remember Nancy talking about Jake after he checked out. I remember her acknowledgment of his struggle and her resolution that he had tried his best and made the choice that he ultimately had to make. Folks around me have seen the pain that I've felt and my inability to move beyond it.

40 years is a long time to try.

I'm not going anywhere, yet. It seems as though I'm building the foundation for what is probably inevitable and best.